According to a nationally representative survey of U.S. teens published in 2021, 84.4% of 14 to 18-year-old males and 57% of 14 to 18-year-old females have viewed pornography (on purpose or by mistake), and 10% of pornography views are by children under the age of 10. In addition, there was a startling increase (147,188 reported cases in 2021) of 11-13-year-old girls taking nude photos or videos of themselves and posting them online, often after being groomed by an online sexual predator (Internet Watch Foundation, 2021). Furthermore, 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 10 boys (aged 13-17) agreed that they had shared nudes of themselves. Of those, 40% reported that sending nudes is normal (Thorn, August 2020).

How did sexting become normal? Online pornography is free, there are no age restrictions, and I know it is hard to acknowledge, but if your child has a device and is eight or older, they may have seen porn. My neighbor shared that her son first saw it at nine. She was mindful of limiting device time and allowed only two hours a week of screen time. He was watching Minecraft videos on YouTube when, with one accidental click, he watched a video of a man raping a ‘mom.’ He handed her the device crying and confused. She comforted him, and they talked about what he saw and that it was sexual violence. She thought she had content restrictions in place.

Sex is taboo, and porn is even more so. Few people are talking about it, much less to their children. Our kids need us to communicate with them and explain that porn is not a safe space to learn about sex. Nearly all free porn does not show sex or intimacy; it depicts sexual violence. Online porn is not the Playboy centerfold of earlier generations. Over 85% of scenes in explicit online content show acts of aggression and sexual violence, and the victim is usually a woman or girl who responds either neutrally or with expressions of pleasure (Bridges, et al, 2010). When kids see this, they learn that sexual violence and rape are normal sexual behavior. If we do not teach them otherwise, then sex is violence. Current research shows a link between watching online pornography and increased verbal and physical violence against women (Lemma, 2020). Porn teaches that name-calling, choking, hitting, and ejaculating on a woman’s face is normal sexual activity. The natural progression of attraction, communication, holding hands, and a first kiss erodes. A 2021 poll of 31% of surveyed teen girls ages 16 to 21 says they’ve taken part in sex acts without even a kiss first (Thorn, August 2020). Love, trust, healthy communication, healthy relationships, consent, birth control, and emotional intimacy is not shown in porn.

What do we do? First, come to terms with what our kids are seeing. If your child has access to a screen, they are at risk of viewing porn. Second, set content restrictions on their device. If your child is 12 or older, they probably know how to get around restrictions, so read up on the best available product to prevent them from outsmarting your restrictions. Third, If you have not initiated the conversations about sex, start today. You can teach them the anatomical names of their private parts even as a young child. Teach them to say “No” and reach out for help from a trusted adult if someone asks to see, touch, or receive a digital image of their body. Fourth, talk about the risks of watching porn and that porn is a business that focuses solely on profit. Porn is not a safe source of sexual health information.

Talking about porn for the first time can be uncomfortable. However, weigh that against your child, thinking porn is an example of normal sexual behavior. No one else will likely have this conversation with your child if you don’t. Public school teachers are not allowed to discuss the risks of viewing pornography because it is not part of the Health Education Standards.

Lastly, even if they act like they are not listening, students report that parents are their most trusted source of sexual health information. Allow talking about sexuality and pornography be an ongoing, age-appropriate, and evolving conversation. Remember, it is never too early or late to start talking about healthy relationships, healthy communication, anatomy, physiology, and setting boundaries.

References

Bridges, A. J., Wosnitzer, R., Scharrer, E., Sun, C. & Liberman, R. (2010). Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis Update. Violence Against Women, 16(10), 1065–1085. doi:10.1177/1077801210382866

Internet Watch Foundation. (2021). Child sexual abuse online trends & data in 2021, Annual Report . Retrieved December 22, 2022, from https://annualreport2021.iwf.org.uk

Thorn. Self-Generated Child Sexual Abuse Material: Attitudes and Experiences. (2020, August). Retrieved December 22, 2022, from https://info.thorn.org/hubfs/Research/08112020_SG-CSAM_AttitudesExperiences-Report_2019.pdf